*^*Complaining Warning!!!!!!*^*

Since when did my mother gets so freaking needy?
Since when do I need to do everything perfectly?
Since when do you care who comes to church?
Since when do you care about anything that happens in my life?

When did you first stop caring?
Whne did you first become uncomfortable?
When did you decide I wasn't good enough.

Please explain to me this:

Why is it so important that I'm what YOU want?
Why is it so important that you get what YOU want?
What make you so freaking special?
What happens when I fight back?
What happens when you run out of lies?
What happens when you miss out on life while trying to change mine?


I may be a bitch, I may not be popular, I may be lonely, But I have the truth.
I know who will and will not be there.
I know who will keep my secrets.
I know who trusts me.
I know who I need to stay away from.
I learn it again everyday,
over and over the same way.
I miss my old life,
I miss my old ways,
But then again,
it was all fake.

What if you don't care?

If I where to die:

Would you regret something you've said?
Would you try to apologize for something you've done?
Would you notice my absence?
Would you remember my face?
Would you know what killed me?
Would you come to my funeral?

Would you shed a tear for me?
Would you know how I felt about you?
Would you know my favorite colour?
Would you understand why I do what I do?
Would you care about me?
would you care in the slightest?

huge question for my non existent followers.

should I type up my stories? and the answer to that rhetorical question is... should yes. the answer to that implied question 'should I post them as well'... hmmm. lets go with no. I'll take another account and do my story posting... anyway.

I can't believe that I actually take the time to think through my conversation with an un existing audience... I laugh at my sheer ignorant bliss online.

as I go off to make another false account for all my stories... I wonder if I'll get publlished. well now I am just pathetic getting my hopes up for something stupid like that! I should stop before my imaginary friends start calling me names.

good-bye cruel world! I'm melting! melting! melting!!!

P.S. (go to the site below.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYws8biwOYc

wooooow

so here's something for you to laugh at if you think that way.

some guys that's staying with my dad for the weekend happened to meet a 'friend' alright. they end up having fun time in the bathroom that happens to be across the hall from the room I'm staying in. I never knew how annoying having sex sounded...


yeat another reason to be abstinent.

I swear everyday gives me another reason for abstinence.

mental breakdown?

I had a dream last night where the only thing that didn't make sense was the fact that they kept the children in the building. like five buildings where on fire. A bunch of students where there and where talking like nothing was happening. I had a mental breakdown and started crying. the fire hadn't even reached the building we where in. but everyone was there. I couldn't believe it. after a while I was pissed! I scream 'SHUT UP! WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!' they laughed. but went silent...



I wouldn't cry over death. especially by fire. that happens to people all the time. there's no sense crying over natures process, especially when you're saved. I even woke up crying over this... how could this hit me so hard?

kelsey briggs smith

visit kelseyspurpose.com

she lived from 2002 to 2005

her father was active duty in Iraq.
her mother was dating a man.
she was sent to her grandmother's house but frequently visited her mother's.
while in her mother's care kelsey broke both legs.
the judge sent her back to her motehr's
a few days before her father came back from war she was kicked hard in teh stomach.
her fatehr did not have a happy homecoming.
Kelsey's purpose was to help raise awareness for child abuse.
she now has a law in her name.

April 18th is Kelsey Day.

JOurnal?

yet another day passes me by
I can't seem to imagine why
this life is strange
yet completely obvious
iF ONLY, oH IF ONLY
i COULD LEARN HER WAYS.
Destiny
A thing of hte past and of the future.
a thing of both mortality and fantasy
A thing of entertainment
a tool of fear and desire.

those who wish to minupulate her o
ften find tehmselves in quite a tango
once they let go
but can youhold on forever?
can you find you way home?

of corse you can.
she makes it so,
if you're willing to learn
If you're willing to listen
you can't beat her
you can't love her
you can't hate her

for all she is
is a figment created by man
trying to understand God's plan
with out having faith

LIfe...

I feel as though life has lost its meaning.
all these petty fights and arguments I have are meaningless.
The fights I have I can't win, the one's I can, I let stay as they are.
I'm tired of trying to be perfect.
I'm tired of trying to be innocent.
I'm going to do it my way, and I'm gonna have some fun.
I'm taking control of my life, I'm taking control of my relationships.
I'm sitting here at like 2-3 in the morning and making some stunning realizations...
I've had this song stuck in my head all evening, and keep thinking about last nights sermon. It was beautiful, and wish I had a recording of it.

really?... REALLY???

If you think I can't handle life, then leave me alone.
If you think you could do my life better, I'd like to see you try.
If you think I'm stupid, think again.
If you think I don't hear what your saying, then listen to me.
If you think I'm a bitch, then move on with your life.
If you think I need you, then go fuck yourself!
If you think I care in the least what you think of me, get over yourself!

here's some news for you,
My life is where I want it, and I can make it the way I want it.
You don't know my life so get off my back.
I am a whole hell of a lot smarter than I look.
If you don't listen to me, I wont listen to you.
I act the way I want, to tell me who I can trust and who's not worth my time.
I don't need anyone, all I need is my muse, and my god.
I don't need your opinion, and when I wan tit, I'll let you know.

so get over yourselfp, get off my back, and let me live the way I want to! I don't need another mother, God gave me one, and that's all I need! I'm a big girl! I can handle myself! If I screw up then its something I!!! have to live with, NOT YOU! I know what I'm doing, I can make my own choices. If you don't trust me, then don't talk to me.

life is troublesome

my favorite lie yet is ' I do listen to you'

well either you don't do it well or you don't care.

'no I care, atleast I read the messages'

not thoroughly, or you wouldn't be in this situation.

'well you've just changed thats all'

yes I have and I'm NOT going back! I know how I was. I don't like that person, so I'm not going back! those are the sluts that go and ruin their life, then go complain about nothing, for no reason, and I'm tired of being that way. I had someone show me my imperfections, and I fixed the ones I could. and I'm not about to undo everything. no matter what you say, you wont change the facts.

then from another end ' you're not a slut, your just a teenage girl'

oh yeah? then how come I've only met two people who really even talk that way??? how come I've only herd how stupid I am for my past doings? how come my own mother calls me a slut?


JUST SHUT UP GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND LISTEN TO ME, UN BIAS-LY!!!
forget yourself for a minute, as you talk to me. truly listen to what I'm saying. think about what you're saying.

go in a dark room, without music (unless it's fu Elise) and think.) don't fill your mind with past experiences. think about what I'm saying....

but then, if it takes doing that for my words to sink in, then I don't need you.
If I have to yell and scream and leave you for you to listen to me once, then go back to the way things where, then I don't need you. I don't, all it does is cause stress in my life.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I483tB12SyE

again I find mysel fon the topic of love...

what does love feel like?
is it that funny feeling you get when you talk to someone?
is it the clumsyness that finds you in their presence?
is it that cockyness that makes you look like an ass?
is it feeling perfectly comfortable in everything you do around them?
is it never wanting to see them hurT?
is it wanting to somther them with gifts?
is it being worried that you're doing the right thing?
is it trusting them with your secrets?
is it risking you life for them?
is it intamacy that comes with marriage?
is it marriage it's self?
is it having a pack mule gladly doing everything for you?
is it the pain you feel when they leave?
is it those moments you want to cry tears of joy from something they say or do?

or is it this:

something that is unacheivable and doesn't exist?
is it a psychological block to make the brain feel at ease?
is it purely something the humans mind created?

my position is:

You'll know when you find it without a doubt.
you'll know from the bond you feel.
You'll know from the moments you share.
you'll know from all that you endure together.
but for now know that God is with you through it all.
He wont put you in a situation you can't handle, because He loves you.
if you trust Him He will bring who and what you need into your life.
He'll provide, protect, and produce for you.
He will provide the lessons you need ( not want)
He will protect you from harms way ( until it's your time)
He will Produce every thing you need. ( money food patience ect.)

Guilty pleasure... good thing or bad???

What I'm going to do here is take a survey. all you do is leave a comment saying what you think. good or bad for each scenario. take this seriously k?




you know this thing isn't right and that its not good for you, but you love it so much you can't stop.(like an addiction) At one point it secludes you completely from your friends, but you had lots of fun...
good or bad?


you love this thing that makes you go broke but makes you look hot.(like shoes.) not only does it make you look hot it makes you feel hot.
good or bad?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjNh677y6T8



you spend all your time with this one. you take it everywhere, and you include it in everything you do.(like a puppy) All your friends hate this thing and tell you to get rid of it.
Good or Bad?


In the begining it was to help you as a person but turns you into something you're not. (like plastic surgery) You can't stop being with/ using/ doing this thing.
Good or Bad?


You love this thing but it anoys the crap out of everyone and looks and smells very undesirable.
Good or Bad?


that's all i can come up with...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!

I'm in dire agony!!!!
This is flat out silly!!!
HE treats me like shit!
He's mad at me!
He flirts with other girls!
he's just a complete ass!!!!
yet i swoon when i see his picture or remember his voice or the way he looks or that childish gleam he get's when he knows he's upset me. my heart sinks every time i realize he doesn't care. It's not fair! I don't need this! I'm not old enough to deal with his silly games! I don't need this at all...
But how can i let go when he holds me so tightly?
when he hugs me now I have to force myself to let go. his hugs hold more meaning now, and they are more affectionate but his words and actions are worse. how can you love someone when they don't love you back?
I want to take the theory from practical magic. I never want to fall in love so i may never die of a broken heart!
but that wish is one full of sin! For god made us to fall in love and replenish the earth with another generation.
If I am patient god will do his work on my life and send my beloved to rescue me. who knows, maybe he already has ;)

my heart xis weak and easily won. I want to wait this out to find myself once more. my love is meak and unwanted right now. I shall wait another week out to find myself, if she continues ont her way without me i shall make myself anew.

Boundaries

Some people just don't know when to stop!!!!!!
my goodness!!!
I say no they keep pushing, I say stop its annoying they keep doing it!
what the hell?!?!?!
who ever heard of respect for others??
or lets see um when I say I don't like that they keep on with it!


anyway thats all for this rant....
sorry to bore you once again....


oh another question, should I post some letters i found?

Story Time!

I'm writing a story and this girl after being revived by her enemy and her best friend and only chance for freedom is found dead finds a rat and names it:

Agavé~Security
Cyprès~Mourning
Fenouil~Strength
Aubépine~Hope
Houblon~Injustice
Iris~Message
Gui~Parasite
Prunier~Promise~Prune
Muflieir~Presumption
Absinthe~Absence


Which name fits the story better????
Remember its a rat that she's naming... the names are french so look more at the meanings.


Comment with your vote.

Isn't ti funny how there's always that one person who can call you a psyco bitch, and tell you to leave, and you'll scream back , but while you're screaming you're wishing and hoping that they'll stop and say 'I'm sorry I love you.' they might not right away, but most do eventually. Some take much longer then others, and some never do, It's sad. I cry for those who can not realize that they have someone who will jump through flaming hopes, and visit the darkest depths of hell just because they ask you to. I cry for those who love with their heart and soul but their love is one of the morons who don't realize what they have. I pray for those who think it's okay to toy with peoples emotions just to get what they want!

We'll see the universe and dance on Saturn's rings! heaven isn't to far, Heaven is were you are. Stay with me and let me be your wings.
~Thumbalina and the prince.

Keep the pain and the pleasure, I'm the master of vogue. Shut your eyes not you mind let me into your soul, I'ma work ya till your totally blown. No escaping when I start. Once I'm in I own your heart. there's no way to ring the alarm so hold on till it's over!
~Adam Lambert (For your entertainment)

what is love?
Is it sex?
Is it longing to be together?
Is it fantasy?
Well in my opinion, Love is being able to sit there not necessarily doing anything just being there, maybe holding hands, maybe just sitting next to eachother. You don't need to say anything. There's no such thing as an awkward silence when you're in love. As said by Claudia "You can just shut up for a few moments and comfortably share silence." I love that line... anyway,
How do you determine when you're in love?
Do you talk every night? do you sleep in the same bed?
Are you married?
Do they have to love you back?
Can all you have is them and your happy?
I think that if you can let them go because that's what makes them happy. When you see them all you want to do is have them in ecstasy, whether it be with you or someone else, you want them to be in ecstasy. Ypu can watch them walk away while holding your head high only by telling yourself that they are happy this way. you may not be happy but as long as they're happy you don't give a damn about yourself. you can walk away and when they ask "where am I to go? what am I to do?" you can say "I don't know, and frankly darling I don't give a damn." because you realize that you can't make them happy so you give them the chance to find a way to make themselves happy.

Anyway, I want to know what you think is love.